WELL once again Boaby and Ella had returned to the streets of Glasgow, Having been deported from Tenerife as undesirable emigrants with Homicidal tendencies. Ella was so "Chuffed" that Boaby had hidden some of their spending Money that she gave the "Wee man" �100 to do with as he pleased. So the night after they returned, While Ella was passing the time catching up on the local Gossip with "Big Moothed McGumpie" The woman from across the close, Boaby made his way to his favourite watering hole "The Piston Broke" (His Local Pub across the street from the Garage).
Boaby wiz sittin minding his own business, slowly sipping his 6th Lowflyer (Grouse Whisky ... So named because a Grouse flys close to the ground) when he was approached by an old acquaintance
Make a bluddy first then! said Boaby. Yer always tryin tae flog this dodgy gear! And I'm no huvin any Oh it ...Right!
Aye! Aye! Keep yer bluddy Hair on man! I wiz jist going tae offer yea a Drink .....Yea want a "Wee Hauf"
A Don't want tae talk aboot it, They Bluddy foreigners are all queer or Woman mad ... Bluddy violent at times as well.
Aye! Said Dodgy Al shaking his Head "Yer better aff in yer ain country ... Safer! Yea didnae huv a good time them?
WELL!..... I never thought yea wer a Cruel heartless little Bastard, In fact If I hud Known I wid never bought you a Drink!
That poor Wife of yours is Probably hidin behind the Couch, Cowerin in Blind Terror, Every creak of the Hoose scarin her haff tae Death, and where's hur Man, Her Great Protector?....... OOT BEVVYING!
OH! She's at hame alright,... But I at least went and Bought a Dug to befriend her and Protect her so that when I went oot fur a Pint I am safe in the Bluddy Knowledge that she's safe.
AYE! ... Best thing I ever got Hur, Now she disnae Mind it if I go oot fur a Pint Everynight, Cause she's safe in hur ane hoose!
Funny you should ask that, ... I've got one here,... I bought Two from Jockey White, A Real Bargain to �100 fur the Pair. said Dodgy Al nodding at a big dog wandering around the Bar.
Ha...Ha...Ha ... Aye like yea said yea've never hud a Dug afore! This is a genuine Twisted Camel hair Dog Lead, Finest yea kin Buy!
Well!.. Said Boaby Thats "Dark o'Clock" and time I wasna here, I'm fur the Hoose. And tying the Blue rope round the dogs collar, Staggered out the Door and home.
Boaby Left the Piston Broke and hit the fresh air, The large volume of Whisky and Lager took effect, and he staggered from side to side up the Road to his "Wee hoose" It must have been his lucky night, Ella was already in bed and snoring gently as Boaby slipped between the Sheets!
Shouted the wee Man,...Ma Mooth tastes like I've been lickin a Badgers arse, An Ma heids Birlin.
Boaby looked down in amazement and wondered how he got intae his bed when he wiz still wearin his sock & Shoe on one Foot.
Boaby Slipped on his trousers, Feelin quite Proud that he managed that simple task without falling flat on his face!
The Wee Man then turned round to the Bedpost to get his "Bunnet" and was even more amazed to see the "Teacosy" there instead!
Am no scared when yea go oot! BOABY, Am BLUDDY Terrified when yea come back, Cause a never Know whit yea will get up tae next!
AYE! Maybe ...Said Ella ...Huv Yea Noticed Anything Else Boaby? She said and started to Rub the Dogs Belly.
OH AYE! Said Ella, Talkin Aboot Breakfast!... The PUN O Sausages and Packet O BACON that I took oot Fur BREAKFAST his DISAPPEARED.
Now Here Yea Go! Said Ella Holdin oot the Piece of Dirty Blue Rope, A Clear Plastic Bag and a White plastic Scoop!
Weel! Yea canna let the Beast Shite on the Street Kin Yea, So when it does its Business yea'll scoop it up and Pit it in the Plastic bag. Keep the Streets Oh Glasga Clean an all that!
NAW! No Drunk? Funny that, When I woke this morning yea were lying there in Yer Longjohns, Wie yer Sock and shoe still on, AND wearin ma best Teacosy on yer Napper! That Sound like DRUNK tae ME.
Mutterin away to himself, He tied one end of the Blue Rope around the Dogs Collar, and holding the other end the Pair left the house.
As Soon as the Dog hit the street it took off in the Complete different direction than Boaby had intended, Thus taken by Surprise the Rope slipped out of Boaby's hand, and he sprinted down the Street to catch the thing. as Luck would have it the Dog stopped to sniff at a bit of ground allowing Boaby to catch it. To ensure this didn't happen again, Boaby tied a "Slip Knot" on the other end of the rope and pushed it over his Wrist.
The unlikely pair continued their walk until thay came to a waste piece of ground where the dog promptly "Took a Dump"
Now Likely it was all the Raw sausages and bacon that upset the Dogs Stomach, But as Boaby Dutifully scooped up the first Watery mess the Dog managed to produce another two piles.
Jeezs H Christ!....... Bluddy Dug hiz the Runs! Muttered the Wee Man as he scooped up the last of it and emptied it in the Plastic Bag.
Bugger Me! Exclaimed Boaby looking at the Half full Plastic bag, and wondering what to do with the Shit covered scoop.
Sod it! ...Said Boaby and threw the scoop into a Garden he was passing! The Plastic bag he tied a knot in the neck, So the Smelly contents couldn't spill out and they continued their walk.
Boaby hadn't gone much further, When he suddenly realized that everyone he met was crossing the Street before they met up with them!
Now Glasgow is Famous for being one of the most Friendly Cities in the World! However the sight of a half canned "Wee Bachle" walking in your direction, Swinging a bag of "Dog Shit" is too much for even the friendliest of People!
It didn't seem to matter how Boaby tried, He couldn't get that Daft Dug to turn around. In fact it seemed as if she had found a familar Scent, and With her nose close to the ground and tail high in the air she started off down the Streets getting faster and faster!
Nothing Boaby shouted made a blind bit of Difference and the Dog continued on its way. By now Boaby's hand had turned a bright shade of Red as the Blood Circluation was getting cut off.
Boaby Tried Digging his Heels into the ground to stop the dog, But it was to powerful for him, and he was dragged down the street with smoke coming from the Heels of his "HushPuppies"
No Response and the Dog kept going, Twisting and Winding through the Streets, Getting closer and Closer to the City Centre.
Twenty minutes of getting dragged around by the dog Boaby was not only Knackered, But also Hoarse throught shouting at it, Suddenly the Dog Turned into Argyle Street,( Even at this early hour it was busy with Shoppers) and once again it took of at high Speed With Boaby Bouncing behind it!
"Big Maggie Mae" (Twenty Three Stone of unfettered Female flesh) and hur Pal "Greeting Greta Greenhorn" Stepped out of one of the Shops and right into the Path of the Wee man.
Wee (Eight Stone) Boaby, Travellin at 30 MPH met "Big Maggie" with Disasterious Consequences!
As Boaby and Big Maggie Collided, The Knot around the Dogs Collar Parted, Boaby hit Maggie at full Pelt, There was a LOUD BANG as the bag of Dog Shit in his Pocket exploded, and Wee Boaby Bounced off Sideways and Landed Headfirst onto a Corperation Litter bin.
Whit the Feckin Hell wiz that? Exclaimed "Greetin Greta" as she looked in horrer at her Pal.
Naw! No That! said Maggie as She approached Boaby,.. A Wiz readin a Book the other day aboot these ill folk that huv tae huv a bag strapped tae their sides tae drain oot their Bodily waste, I think he's one oh them and we maybe killed him!
You go and Phone 999 fur an Ambulance!... said Maggie,.. I'll gie him Artifical Resutation till they get here.
Now When Boaby Hit the Litter bin, he wasn't actually knocked out, But he was so exausted after being pulled so far with the Stoopid Dug that he just couldn't move. The next thing was "Big Maggie" Sat astride his Back, the Weight expelling all the air from his lungs, Boaby couldn't breathe or even utter a sound!
Greetin Greta, returned from using a shop Phone! Forced her way through the crowd that had gathered, Only to see her friend "Big Maggie" sat astride Boaby's Back and Violently pulling his Arms up behind him and then back down again!
Sssh!.... I watched this on Thon Baywatch Programn on the telly, and it revived a Dead Geezer that hud Drowned.
Here I might get my Photie in the Daily record! WOMAN SAVES LIFE IN BUSY STREETS OF GLASGA ...Whit dae yea think!
All this time Boaby is lying Desperately trying to get air! Each time this Minature Elephant on his back pulled back on his arms, any air he had in his lungs was pushed out, and when she returned his arms to their original position, she did so with such force that his head clattered onto the Kerbstone!
Slowly the Wee Man was slipping into unconciousness, But faintly in the distance he could hear the Amulance Siren!
Not waiting for an answer both Medics knelt down beside Boaby and Put a Blanket under his Head! ...Are yea Alright PAL?
Och!...... it's all Bollocks that She Made up! said Boaby... It wiz a Bag oh Dog Shit in ma Pocket that Burst when she bashed intae me!
WHIT!... Screamed the Second Medic.... You tell me that I left ma Breakfast in the Depot tae cum oot Here tae treat some Twat wie a burst Dug Crap Poke?
Come oan Chas! Said the second Medic ...Leave the wee maggot there, Lets go get the rest oh oor Breakfast! and of they went.
The Crowed that had assembled around the incident had now Disappeared and the Shoppers walked about their business, But giving the Shit stained Boaby a wide Berth!
Boaby looked around for several minutes but there was no sign of his Broon Dog! Obviously it had taken off into the Distance upon its unexpected release!
Christ!...Said Boaby ...Am Miles frae the hoose! I'll grab a fastBlack, And the wee man waved down the next Black Taxi Cab Passing!
Where tae!.... Here!.... Ye huv nay BLUDDY Chance!.... Look at the State o yea!.... Yer no gettin in ma cab like that!.... and off he drove.
BOLLOCKS! ... Muttered Boaby after looking in a Shop Windae and realizing his best Jacket was covered with large Dollops of Dog Turd.
Three more attempts to hail a Taxi failed and Boaby resigned himself to having to walk the 6 mile back home.
Half way up the road, God Proved beyond any shadow of a Doubt that he wiznae a Glaswiegian and the Heavens Opened and the cold Scottish rain Soaked the Wee Man!